Disease To Please
Ouch. That title may hit a little close to home for some. If you are a people pleaser, this article is for you, friend. The disease to please is a reference to those who are codependent. Codependence is often established in childhood when there is dysfunction in the home. This child grows up and carries this behavior into adulthood and is more likely (than someone who isn’t codependent) to attach to a manipulative partner, which can be a recipe for a troubled partnership.
If you are a people pleaser, you are overly focused (perhaps perfectionistic) about how you can make life easier to the exclusion of your needs. You are overly self-critical and hard on yourself. You may fret over others’ happiness and well-being to the exclusion of your own. You may be spending a great deal of time injecting yourself into others’ lives to attempt to solve their problems. You are skilled at ignoring your needs and feelings, resulting in numbing out with food, alcohol and/or drugs.
“What do I have to do or say to make you love me more?”
You likely tend to overcommit and overwork which leads to frustration that your needs are not being met which results in your resentment that no none is taking care of you and your needs. You to go great lengths to avoid confrontation and don’t want to upset others. You probably over-apologize. You feel overly responsible for others and hate to disappoint anyone.
You are overly self-critical.
If you see yourself in this article, you are likely exhausted and frustrated and not feeling healthy physically nor mentally at this point. For some, counseling can be helpful to learn how to correct their behavior to put themselves first. At any rate, the key to changing this behavior is sustaining boundaries and increasing self-love. ❤️
How do I start?
There is a proven process to unwind from this pattern of behavior, but your body & mind will fight you on your journey to leave codependence behind because your brain loves ❤️ what is familiar not always what is good for you. You can turn the page 📖 however.
Healthy boundaries are social rules of engagement.
It is never too late to set boundaries. Healthy boundaries are rules of engagement. It is you teaching others how to treat you. It is also you allowing others to master the ability to solve their own problems without your interference.
You can be a good person & still have people mad at you.
Prepare for a bit of pushback, however, because others will not recognize this new you. They are used to the person without boundaries. They are used to you being available to them whenever they need you. They are used to you putting yourself last. It is okay if they are angry at you as you begin to assert yourself and your new rules of engagement. You can be a good person & still have people mad at you. As you begin to change your habits and practice existing in a state of healthy boundaries and ask for what you want you will attract healthier people into your life. Your needs matter, friend; you get to focus on your needs without apology. This will require you to release your attachment to others and allow you imperfections to surface. You may feel a bit more vulnerable at times but you no longer will strive for perfection. Think how much more relaxed you will feel in your everyday life.
You are the author of your life. You are writing the book of your life’s journey. Loving yourself means taking care of you, without apology. Perhaps your next chapter could be entitled, “Without Apology.”
This will be a process and some find that it is a bit easier with the help of a counselor. Gaining the tools ⚒️ of boundaries & self-love and the having the courage to use them in your everyday life won’t always be easy but it will always be worth it.
~Lisa Schiro, M.S., LCPC
Founder & CEO K-Counseling & Anxiety Treatment, LLC